STARTING OVER....AGAIN

My dear new readers,

 I started a blog a few years ago and was called some nasty names for coming forward with my situation. It has scared me from blogging again, however, I over come everything else so why not this. My last entry was on the ONE year marker of my diagnosis date. I was diagnosed HIV+ December 1, 2010. Here I am about to reach my two year marker and I am starting this blog to explain my daily life with the world at large. I’ve been told I am a larger than life personality and others would be interested to see my take on not only the world around me but how I overcome hardships placed before me regarding me: personal, financial, educational, romantic & spiritual paths.

For those of you who don’t know, my name is Sweet Z and I am a 27 year old woman living in the east bay area. My living situation right now is not the most desirable, meaning I rent a room nightly, but the people whom I “live with” could not be a more perfect. We are all perfect within our own flaws. It is a loving coven of 3 other women and one man. Well, technically one. There is another who comes over every day and typically fills our days with laughter and productivity. We are all very different and unique. It is in our distinct variation that we all find our home. We each have our roles and parts to play. I will explain more tomorrow.

TODAY I was productive and crossed a few goals off as achieved on my personal “list” of things to do. Today I registered for the community college and will be picking out my classes in a few weeks. I am so excited to go back to school. Being older has given me a whole new discipline on education. I also battled my chronic pain and walked not only my dog but Woman #2’s dog as well. I was left sore and in worse pain but a few moments of Native American drumming music and some meditation, my body and mind are back to being connected to spirit in a more harmonious balance.

The wind down of my night included having a few drinks with Man #1. Sitting on opposite ends of the lounge chairs in the couch, we kick back and chillax. After walking along the piano keys a small black feline crosses the room to cuddle on my lap as I am typing causes some difficulty. Of course, animals really run us in this life and I tend to her high demands for affection. Anyway, we spend time listening to his ginormious library of genres and share a smoke. We watch one music video on the projector screen. Whitney Houston-“It’s not right” was our moment of empowerment. We move on and for the first time in DAYS he opening a hip-hop/rap section and I am in heaven filled with short snip its of songs from artists such as: Janet Jackson, Digital Underground, TLC, Missy Elliot, Eminem, Kelis, Genuine, Ludacris including some AMAZING remixes.

Time for bed. I know my life positively impacted several people today so I can lay my head on my pillow feeling good about the person I strive to be every day. What shall happen tomorrow?

HIV: Knowledge is POWER!

        I have been writing all week trying to decide what my next topic should be. Yes, I believe the art of writing and brainstorming with a pen and paper will soon be extinct, yet I will never quit. Thumbing through pages of writing, so many ideas running around in my head yet none gave me the passion I needed, at this moment, to type. That is until I heard the television. As I looked up, CSI was on and for the third time this week, my few moments of TV touched on the topic of HIV. The two other shows were House & Law & Order:SVU. (On a personal note, I will rewatch these two shows along with Friends & Charmed until the end of my time on this planet. I never understood before how "BAN" could watch Andy Griffith & Seinfeld over and over again laughing at jokes that he knew by heart. As I have grown up, I understand the emotions and comfort tied to the familiar characters which believe it or not impact your life in more ways than you will realize)
        As relieved as I was that someone somewhere was trying to have a voice and educate the general population, these shows still tackled it with the same taboo and propaganda that has been going on for years thus negating the entire point of the meger attempt at education! My relief slowly fills with fury! How could they? It's always a child born of a drug addict mother or a drug addict themselves, a reckless gay man or a convict with sloppy tattoo work. I realize this makes for good television, however the realistic approaches make more of an impact on people's lives. Imagine MY STORY being told on a episode of Law & Order:SVU. A women simply trying to concieve a child with her fiance whom had swore that he was tested yet had never been tested once. "Jay Jay" had HIV for over a decade and had no clue because he thought it could never happen to him. How many of you are thinking that right now? The reason I am so strong, healthy and fighting as well as I am is because, against doctors orders, I DEMANDED to be tested! I had done my own research about why I was sick and within the first six months of contracting it, I was able to get on anti-retro-virals which not only stopped the HIV from multiplying in my blood but flushed out so much of it from my system that the concentration of HIV in my blood is so low that even the most sensitive of laboratory tests cannot detect it. I may not be cured, I may have to live with side effects to my ARVs for the remaining years of my life, but my loved ones are safe and that is all that matters to me.
          It is true there is no cure for HIV yet. BUT THIS IS NOT A DEATH SENTANCE! Spend a few hours of your life and get tested! You may have used protection your whole life (as I did up until summer of 2010). You may have never gotten a tattoo (mine were all sterile needles). You may have NEVER used intervenous drugs (as I have NEVER done). The truth is once outside the body HIV does not live very long. But I bet you as some point in your life you HAVE had a fresh cut on your body that did not have a band-aide on it. I bet you HAVE had oral sex and had your partners fluid in your mouth. I bet you HAVE kissed someone when you had a coldsore, cut, or bleeding gums. Truth is, no matter how much you nag, no matter how much you demand, no matter how deny it. IT'S OUT THERE and there are few as brave as I am to make their status public to the general population. So the real question is how well do you trust every person you know with your future & your life? GET TESTED! No denial, no fear, no "ifs" about it! Do it NOW! And if you need a friend to hold your hand, you know where to find me! All you need to do is ask! Do not be ashamed of getting FREE HIV testing be PROUD of it! Be proud that you are taking control of YOUR life for knowledge is power and my little army of readers are more powerful than I could ever hope for!

FIRST poem by ♥SWEET Z™♥

Spooning with the luscious green grass,
pleading to my creator.
Clasping my hands to my pounding heart,
Dearest One, turn me into a stone is my only desire,
So I can be cold and unyielding
never again feeling the bitter tears streak my cheeks like fire.

Whispering to the wind,
the secrets of my passion.
Twirling like a child in a dress;
allowing the breeze to caress my flesh.
Wishing for the continuing will-power over my decisions
to keep shrinking & live til death with no revisions.

Dancing with a brisk river,
rejoicing to my totem spirit.
Enjoying deep breaths while my wet hair clings to my face,
grace me with artistic expression so I may connect.
Let my soul glide through the pain to inspire all
feel the compassion of my love, one never to reject.

Kissing the radiant rays of sunlight,
reciting glorious praise to my power.
Gently running my fingertips over my glowing skin,
O pillar of strength, my gratitude cannot be measured,
for opening my soul and blessing me
with courage to expose my secrets and hidden treasures.

Soaking up the fresh rainfall,
hands griping my hair til I ache,
sending prayers for my heartache to cease as a dare.
Please let my bravery and courage be enough to fill my heart.
My lonely road paved with unwanted attention
solidified by my reflections from the start.

Leaning against a mighty oak
the sunset reaffirming my vows.
The powerful embrace cannot be beat.
O fabulous fate, hard work for dreams
keeping my friend alongside as I succeed.
My shattered pieced of heart and soul
are mended as I continue to BREATHE

Love, Friendship, & everything else in between!

I have two opening notes before unveiling a great blog.
    1. The pseudonyms I use are all hand picked by the character themselves. I think it has become a competition of wit and sarcasm amongst those close to me.
    2. A wise woman once said! "Do not open your mouth unless you intend on improving the silence.".

         Love isn't something you can earn or demand from anyone. Love is something to be given. True love in any category of relationship is not to be given with expectations. Love should not be something you expect a reward for, but something given because of the shear happiness that fills your soul. I love my readers, fans, family, and those select besties who have been there for me through the hard times as well as the fortunate ones. These people who are truly reliable are few and far in between. More often than not, I invest time, money, & energy into someone without any reciprocated respect. These people use me til I run myself into the ground, then abandon me. Life is a sequence of triumphs and lessons. This will not happen again. 
        I decided to edit out my reflections about "Ryder" while I was worried about his safety I over thought old memories. As we all know, sometimes we have to keep our emotions in check. I realize that my tone regarding "Ryder" may have been confusing for some. While I was worried for my friend, I am in no way still in love with him. News was delivered a few days ago via a mutual friend that "Ryder" is safe & yet I still can't sleep at night. These past few days I've had access to a bed and two comfortable couches, yet my nights are spent taking short cat naps followed by lots of tossing and turning waiting for an appropriate time to get up and start the day.
         My days have been spent with friends and family. Spending time with "Baby-doll", "Yee-haw", & their kids meant the world to me. I had not seen my dear friends since "Tattoo-ie" and I stayed a few nights with them. They were the few people who saw the abuse first hand. I wish I could have stayed with the original plan of leaving "Tattoo-ie" when "Baby-doll" first brought it to my attention back then which was in turn brought up by "Yee-haw". I have been wanting to get a new tattoo to help remind me of this landmark in my life. This couple is trying to get me a good deal with one of their friends. I am very grateful for the possible barter situation.
         Another wonderful friend surprise visit made my soul sing. My dearest favorite friend "FLACO YOU" gave me several minutes of his valuable time. While I love any face to face time I can get with him, I had not laid eyes on him in five months. He did not disappoint. Our lives may be crazy, but "FLAC YOU" has been one of the few reliable men in my life. We spent our valuable time discussing promoting & marketing ideas for both our careers, passions, & hobbies. Our friendship has taken its twists and turns causing a labyrinth of chemistry for which even we get lost. While our physical visits can be counted in hours, our friendship and loyalty has no measurement. My friend has the most brutally gorgeous soul, my rose amongst the thorns. He was the one whose reaction, regarding my HIV+ status, I was the most concerned. Him not knowing was a main reason why I procrastinated my blogging. When you care for someone, you want them to keep a positive opinion of you. Telling "FLAC YOU" about me being HIV+ was the last step of faith I had to take before allowing myself to become a public HIV figure. Now, I am free of the chains, & my dear friend has not left my side! Not losing him to the stigma of HIV gives me hope and faith in my mission. Then again "FLAC YOU" has always been a huge source of motivation, not only in writing, but in life too.

Pain! ABUSE ♥Refief♥

Thank you to everyone who is reading and keeping up with everything I am putting out into the world and ALL of your wonderful words of love & encouragement! I will continue to be strong and (for all those who truly know me) UNCENSORED!

Yesterday morning was another glorious sunny California day. Unfortunately I was unable to enjoy it to my fullest capacity. My body and my spirit never seem to agree on activities. Losing weight helps my stamina but my pain & worries push me to the point of not wanting to eat at all.
My morning started off rougher than it has in a long time. Of course, being homeless and sleeping on a box spring sure doesn't help. The amount of energy it takes me to start these morning are exhausting. My daily nausea is so bad I cannot even fathom eating anything. All I hear is my pulse. My eyes ache and burn so badly I cannot get them to focus on any one object. The symphony of crackles that escape my body from any minor movement causes more pain than relief. The burning numbness in my hands and feet causes them to be useless for hours. As I stretch the full body joint pain feels similar to stirring cold molasses. If only the ache could be as sweet. Every nerve makes itself known with uncontrollable shocks & twitches. . . . .Ever stuck a 9volt battery to your tongue? Ever had a dentist hit a nerve with a drill? Well, THAT feeling is what takes over every synapse in my whole body. With medicines and my relentless mind, I am able to continue my day as normally as possibly.
Over the past few weeks, my mind has been taken over with reflections, memories, fear, & concern. Since becoming HIV+, I have made two attempts for relationships. The first attempt was in the summer months the man I call "Ryder". He always called me "Dolce Cuore" (which is Italian for "sweetheart") I did everything possible to end this relationship for the mere aspect that I did not want to drag him through the secrets, emergencies, constant pain, & worry. I did not believe I deserved someone who was so respectful & understanding. I will talk about "Ryder" later tonight.  
The second boy "Tattoo-ie" was with me for less than two months and caused such abuse that admitting to the fact that I allowed myself to be treated in such a way is shameful. "Tattoo-ie" did not care who was around. He would abuse me in front of family, friends, and in public. He would scream at me for hours at a time while I never made a sound. It was a lion & a mouse. He put his hands on my throat claiming to only get my attention. If I put on any make-up or did my hair in anything except a ponytail I was accused of cheating with some of the most vulgar language possible. He would spin me, throw me on the bed/box spring and pin me down yelling into my mouth. The migraines and pain that followed were unbearable. He wanted me to be in pain. His reasoning was that I was weak and needed to toughen up., if he only knew my true strength. Any time I told him to leave or that we were over, the fury would come harder. "You will never find anyone to love you after me" "I'm your only chance at having a family of your own" "If I get HIV because of you, we're gonna kill your ass!" "I WON'T LET YOU LEAVE ME" This bi-polar tantrum always caused a silent tear to roll down my cheek. The day I got the courage to leave him, he had me pinned to the railing on a second story porch. "Tattoo-ie" continuing his screaming thinking that would change the outcome, he started pushing against me so hard that before I knew it he had me against his body and leaning all the way over the railing. My first screams seemed to blindside him as I yelled with all my might "IT'S OVER! KILL ME IF YOU WANT, BUT I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!" This shockingly brave act made him back up exclaim how I broke his heart and he stormed off inside. I fell to my knees pulling my long blond hair til I forced myself to hold my head up high. How could I let someone do this to me? Why did I ever make excuses? I do deserve better. Maybe I ruined the chance I had a happiness, maybe I will find someone better. Who knows?!? The future is just that! But I have had love since becoming HIV+. I have had love of family, friends, "Ryder", & Kaleb. Of course, I have had family turn their back on me and friends who might never be able to understand to be there for me because of their own issues, but I am fine as I am.
As I continue my vows of never keeping hate in my heart and never leaving a friend behind when they are in need, I truly believe this will keep my path full of clear intentions and of course love for others.

411 followed by Tormenting Reflections!

Kaleb, my faithful Border Collie, and I spent our afternoon down on the beach. The first thing he does is roll in the sand then takes off in a sprint to the end of the beach and proceeds to attacks the waves before coming back and settling down by my side. As the warm sun bathes us in radiant light with the brisk wind caressing our aching bodies. I spend time listening and watching the majestic waves crashing against the shore. My mind continuously looping back to "Ryder" & his safety creating a horrible mind frame for concentration. As I reflect on the terrifying and relieving emotions following my first blog. From my lips to my higher power's ear, I pray my story will effect just ONE person!
After revealing my diagnosis yesterday about being HIV+, I have received a variety of responses. Some people were supportive & encouraging while others continue to show ignorance. However, having vowed to never keep hate in my heart, I viewed the ignorant statements as a mere sign that my story, powerful words, & soulful strength will help change the world.
So let's talk about MY HIV status and the 411 on what that means.
Following my official diagnosis, I made an educated decision to start anti-retro-viral treatment (or ARVs) right away. I was informed once I chose to start the daily regiment, I could never stop for the ARVs would no longer work against my HIV strain. After further testing, my wonderful doctor, "Bunny", explained I have a some what rare & resistant strain of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. Together we chose the highest combination of ARVs available. By far these are not the only medicines I take every day, however, I started my regiment of Reyataz, Norvir, Epivir, & Viread. Thanks to "My Shining Star" & a special insurance, I am able to get my ARVs at no cost to me.
At first, "Bunny" could not believe my T-CELL count. Throughout all of my blood tests my t-cells stayed around 1,200. Within 6 months of starting my ARVs my VIRAL LOAD was so low it was (and remains to stay) undetectable. A true celebration after my hard struggles.
Now let me explain what all of this means. The CD4 T-cells are the "helper" cells that fight off any infections in your body. HIV- people usually stay around 1,000. When those cells his 200 (or below) that person officially has AIDS and can no longer fight off infections on their own. My count is 1,200. I am above most healthy HIV- people so the fact that I requested testing early is keeping my levels high and safe. Now for the VIRAL LOAD. Viral Load is the concentration of the virus in someones blood stream. So if someone had a very high viral load, that means that the virus is multiplying and taking over and attacking healthy cells. With the help of ARVs, people like myself can get a viral load so low that they are practically not contagious. This does not mean you should not take precautions. It just means that contracting the virus from that person would be more difficult. As most of you know, HIV can be transmitted through blood, sexual fluids (both male & female), breast milk, or if a woman gives birth without taking the treatments required. Women with HIV can conceive, carry, & give birth (via c-section) to a healthy baby if all rules are followed. So some ways to expose yourself (or, my precautions from exposing others however mild it may be) watch out for open cuts, sores, rashes, or exchanging sexual fluids.
Maybe now you can open your eyes to the world a little more!
Tomorrow I will be tackling the fear wrenching in my gut & my concern for someone so dear to my heart! "Ryder" you are in my thoughts tonight as you have been every night for months!

The SECRET is OUT!

Introductions first. I am Lynz McClane better known as "Z" or "Sweet Z™". From here on out, mine is the only name true. I started my career in life as a Registered Veterinary Technician. However, I have started a new path in life. I am a professional plus size model, shoot director, make-up& hair artist, actress, vocalist, mentor, educational & motivational speaker, & obviously. . . a writer.

On December 1st 2010, everything I believed in was shaken to the core of my soul. I was told that the tests I had requested had come back. They arrived while I was laying down in a dark room at county emergency room. "Caliopy" was trying to rest on three plastic chairs delicately arranged. I was suffering from a migraine so bad that all I could hear or see was the pulse throughout my body. The private room was decorated with an Aladdin theme. Facing the wall, I remember taking the tip of my finger and tracing Jasmine's hair and all of Raja's stripes. (This was after some Demerol of course) My ER doctor "Stacy" walked in asking for some time alone. She tries to finesse the moment, but when my stone cold Italian face hit, she proceeded to tell me I am HIV+.
....................................................................................................................................................................
After taking a moment to collect myself after the shock of this,  I asked for more details. ALL of my preconceived notions about HIV & AIDS were wrong. It is NOT a death sentence. It is NOT AIDS. It does NOT mean that I cannot have a normal healthy life. It does NOT mean I will never be able to carry & give birth to a child of my own. It is NOT only gay men or IV drug users that contract it. For me, it was a much more heartbreaking story, and at later date I will SQUASH YOUR ideas about the Human immunodeficiency virus
My story is newer than you may think. During the summer of 2010 my (now ex-fiance) "JayJay" and I decided to try & get pregnant. "JayJay" said he'd been tested for all STDs and HIV and had come out clean. What is still unknown to many people is this was part of a silent pack. A friend of mine from high school became pregnant earlier with a "whoopsie" of a 2nd baby. Two other mutual friends of ours also decided to actively try for another baby. This would turn into the 5th baby for the 2nd woman & 2nd baby for the third woman. I would write my friends back home while I was in Oklahoma about pre-natal vitamins, cycles, and other general information. All three women ended up with healthy children and I got HIV. The bitterness from these moments were quickly after thoughts as each baby entered the world healthy as possible.
My life since discovering out my status has been a long debate of "need to know" versus "right to know". It was weeks before I told family, and some never at all. I don't tell many friends because the world still holds false assumptions about HIV. Instead of waiting for people to find out, I decided to take a stand and tell my story loud and true.

So continue reading my blogs to hear more stories and truths about my struggle that has been kept quiet over the past year!

I will continue these blogs with more about my story. Whether it is past or present. I will answer EVERY question thrown my way as long as it is done with respect and clear intentions.