Pain! ABUSE ♥Refief♥

Thank you to everyone who is reading and keeping up with everything I am putting out into the world and ALL of your wonderful words of love & encouragement! I will continue to be strong and (for all those who truly know me) UNCENSORED!

Yesterday morning was another glorious sunny California day. Unfortunately I was unable to enjoy it to my fullest capacity. My body and my spirit never seem to agree on activities. Losing weight helps my stamina but my pain & worries push me to the point of not wanting to eat at all.
My morning started off rougher than it has in a long time. Of course, being homeless and sleeping on a box spring sure doesn't help. The amount of energy it takes me to start these morning are exhausting. My daily nausea is so bad I cannot even fathom eating anything. All I hear is my pulse. My eyes ache and burn so badly I cannot get them to focus on any one object. The symphony of crackles that escape my body from any minor movement causes more pain than relief. The burning numbness in my hands and feet causes them to be useless for hours. As I stretch the full body joint pain feels similar to stirring cold molasses. If only the ache could be as sweet. Every nerve makes itself known with uncontrollable shocks & twitches. . . . .Ever stuck a 9volt battery to your tongue? Ever had a dentist hit a nerve with a drill? Well, THAT feeling is what takes over every synapse in my whole body. With medicines and my relentless mind, I am able to continue my day as normally as possibly.
Over the past few weeks, my mind has been taken over with reflections, memories, fear, & concern. Since becoming HIV+, I have made two attempts for relationships. The first attempt was in the summer months the man I call "Ryder". He always called me "Dolce Cuore" (which is Italian for "sweetheart") I did everything possible to end this relationship for the mere aspect that I did not want to drag him through the secrets, emergencies, constant pain, & worry. I did not believe I deserved someone who was so respectful & understanding. I will talk about "Ryder" later tonight.  
The second boy "Tattoo-ie" was with me for less than two months and caused such abuse that admitting to the fact that I allowed myself to be treated in such a way is shameful. "Tattoo-ie" did not care who was around. He would abuse me in front of family, friends, and in public. He would scream at me for hours at a time while I never made a sound. It was a lion & a mouse. He put his hands on my throat claiming to only get my attention. If I put on any make-up or did my hair in anything except a ponytail I was accused of cheating with some of the most vulgar language possible. He would spin me, throw me on the bed/box spring and pin me down yelling into my mouth. The migraines and pain that followed were unbearable. He wanted me to be in pain. His reasoning was that I was weak and needed to toughen up., if he only knew my true strength. Any time I told him to leave or that we were over, the fury would come harder. "You will never find anyone to love you after me" "I'm your only chance at having a family of your own" "If I get HIV because of you, we're gonna kill your ass!" "I WON'T LET YOU LEAVE ME" This bi-polar tantrum always caused a silent tear to roll down my cheek. The day I got the courage to leave him, he had me pinned to the railing on a second story porch. "Tattoo-ie" continuing his screaming thinking that would change the outcome, he started pushing against me so hard that before I knew it he had me against his body and leaning all the way over the railing. My first screams seemed to blindside him as I yelled with all my might "IT'S OVER! KILL ME IF YOU WANT, BUT I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!" This shockingly brave act made him back up exclaim how I broke his heart and he stormed off inside. I fell to my knees pulling my long blond hair til I forced myself to hold my head up high. How could I let someone do this to me? Why did I ever make excuses? I do deserve better. Maybe I ruined the chance I had a happiness, maybe I will find someone better. Who knows?!? The future is just that! But I have had love since becoming HIV+. I have had love of family, friends, "Ryder", & Kaleb. Of course, I have had family turn their back on me and friends who might never be able to understand to be there for me because of their own issues, but I am fine as I am.
As I continue my vows of never keeping hate in my heart and never leaving a friend behind when they are in need, I truly believe this will keep my path full of clear intentions and of course love for others.